Couple's Corner

Two Versions of the Same Dream

For the Long Term

I believe that part of a strong financial foundation is a strong marriage between to loving individuals. In Couple's Corner I will share information, tools, and resources to create better communication and minimize financial stress to help you achieve your shared dreams.

When I meet with couples, I often play the role of financial mediator instead of financial planner. Even though they come in with shared goals they often see the solutions to their goals very differently. Their goals may be saving for their first home, sending their children to college, or attaining a comfortable retirement, but their approaches to reaching these goals often seem at opposite ends.
I have seen shouting matches. I have seen spouses pout when they don’t get their way. I have even seen couples mention divorce when they feel that they just don’t understand each other. The interesting thing is that when I cut to the chase, they just have two versions of approaching the same dream. Why is that?

Our environment, family history, and culture, affects us differently on how we see “the world”. This difference is what causes us to be Democrats or Republicans, Liberals or Conservatives, etc. Even though we may agree that our country has economic, health, and education issues, we rarely agree on the approach to solve those problems.

Here are some tips to handle such a dilemma:

1.  Verbally agree on your shared dream.

2. Clearly articulate your ideal outcome of your dream. What do you want your goal to look and feel like when you reach it?  Refrain at first from discussing any goals in financial terms. State your goal as a completed vision.  Focus on life issues not money issues.

3.  Remember that money can only be used to live a better and happier life. The faster we remember this, the faster we will work on a compromise to a shared financial solutions. Life is too short to argue about money. Life is too short to win our own personal battles and lose love wars.

4. Compare the gap from where you are starting from and where you "clearly" want to end up. Create a plan to narrow that gap.

5.  Resolve to take the first step together to accomplishing your dreams. When things get tough, stay focused on your shared version of your dream.

Everyone keeps hearing or reading from financial advisors that you shouldn’t worry too much about your account values in your 401(k) being down since you should be invested for the long-term. The reason is that over the long-term your investments will be just fine, but what about your marriage?

Marriage and money can be a touchy subject. In fact the number one excuse for divorce in America is said to be financial stress. I say excuse because I don’t think that the cause is financial stress. I believe that communication breakdown is the root cause. If you are currently experiencing financial stress I would like to offer you 3 tips to improving the communication between you and your partner.

Tip #1. Reframe your current situation and change your focus. Instead of focusing on the current financial problem (no matter how difficult), focus on why you got married in the first place. Visualize what your relationship would be like if you could weather this problem and others that are common in all marriages. In my office I have a stock market chart on my wall and the most striking thing is that you see the ups and downs of the market over the long-term, but if you notice the trend, it’s always up. Sure there are obvious down cycles (like the depression, the inflationary 70’s, the dot.com bubble, 9/11, and the real estate bubble), but in the long run, they look like blips when you compare it to the overall chart. It’s amazing how many times I have used the stock market chart with couples to talk about their marriages instead of their investments.

Tip #2. Identify and prioritize your core life values. I use a form with my clients called the Values Compass™ (it’s available to you free on my website). I always have every couple I work with do the Values Compass™ before I begin any financial planning session. Values subconsciously drive our behavior, especially our financial behavior. I always want to be aware of what is important for every couple. Do they share similar values? Do they have any values that might be in conflict? Let me give you an example of what I mean. I recently met with a couple who each described their top five values as spirituality, marriage, children, friends, and careers as their top four values. When I met with each of them individually to prioritize their values, the husband prioritized his values as career first, then friends, then marriage, then children, and finally spirituality; the wife’s top values were children first, then marriage, then spirituality, then friends, and finally career. Could you possibly see any conflict in this? It’s extremely important to discuss openly any potential conflict and identify possible harmonious resolutions.

Tip #3. Get professional help. If the first two tips don’t help, hire a professional to be a buffer between your conversations about money. Don’t use a professional to prove that you are right and that your partner is wrong. Hire a professional to observe how you communicate with each other about money. After a couple of sessions your communication will improve and you will also learn how to handle other potential difficult conversations. If you go with an attitude that you are in it for the long-term, your marriage, like your 401(k) should be just fine.